I have a new job. This job and I have a poor relationship. We got off to a bad start. It’s very demanding. I have not (yet?) been able to forgive and forget and I’m having trouble moving forward. It is moving forward inexorably and that is one of the causes of my emotional pain. The damn job is metaphorically backing over my foot with an SUV millimeter by ignorant crushing millimeter. The job doesn’t really care about my feelings, or my foot, and yet, it is currently the only job I have. My days start with fear and anger. Anger that I wound up in this position with this car crushing my foot and no choice but to get in and go along for the ride, once my foot is free. Fear that I will sabotage the only ride I have.
Talking about this hurt is a primary outlet for relief. But even I grow tired of the sound of my own distressed voice on the phone with the same (saintly) supportive family and friends day (and night) after day (and night). I am keeping fit (moving helps me evacuate some of the energy). I am keeping my eye on the prize. I am breathing. I am working on being in the moment. I am trying to establish rhythms that will guarantee me time to help myself through this. Still, I hurt.
So this morning I have an opportunity. A few minutes to myself before I have to be at the place. A few minutes for the tension to build or a few minutes to have some relief. I’m not entirely sure which it will ultimately be. The truth is I need some of those minutes to do some of the work that might make the day a little easier. Choices.
A simple, sincere, ardent prayer. I hope I have more choices soon.