I’ve done it again with the misnomer. Today’s post is neither about Celtic knots, anything else specifically Celtic, nor knots.
To provide some truth in advertising here is a picture of some Celtic knot work on a grave marker, and a full moon.
Celtic knot is the imagery for tonight, because they are traditionally infinity loops, without a visible beginning or ending. Whatever the heck it is I’m trying to identify in my life right now feels (in spite of the tone at the start of the sentence), in a positive way, to have the same iterative looping quality.
I am a member of a theatre collective. The people in the group, the work we do together on Sundays, my ideas and dreams for the group, even -or perhaps especially- the preparation I do for the group all make me happier than anything that has come into my life in a long, long time.
The group also feels incredibly precarious. In the short term, the membership has changed -a lot- as people did and did not find what they were looking for. While a committed core has emerged, those individuals are also prone to being siphoned off -appropriately- when they get roles. I believe in self-selection and bravo for landing the part, but selfishly, ack! guys don’t tear us apart! There’s an awkwardness I cannot shake off. I feel it every time I arrive and it takes a few minutes to dissipate. I don’t have a specific role in the gorup. It’s a collective we are supposed to all be participating equally. But it’s my nature to organize, and sometimes the organizer defaults to leading. So I’m floundering a little for an identity, and I fear my enthusiasm may be perceived as overreaching.
In the long term, I have this niggling concern that our founder’s utopia is the collective decision making process and establishing a pure cooperative. This is sometimes at cross purposes with my utopia which is creating and putting it out into the world. But perhaps my biggest fear is our inevitable disintegration. I’ve been in a number of collectives, cooperatives, mutual interest creative groups -even started some- none has lasted more than two years. Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy…yes, at just seven weeks with these people I barely know, it’s too soon to be looking for long term commitment…but, but, but…this is all I want. I want my life to have some creative community purpose. I want to be surrounded by people who move me with their artistry and whose humanity commands profound respect, and I want us to make engaging artistic experiences together. Forevuh!
When I was in medicine, I was initially drawn to surgery. Mentors told me only to choose surgery if I had to. If I couldn’t -not at a competence level, but at a what gets you out of bed every day level- do anything else. Well, we all know how that turned out (hint: I’m not a surgeon). At the time I thought this was a ridiculous metric. How could anyone know that? Since then I’ve heard people say it about other careers, and very loudly about acting specifically. Acting is not my raison d’etre in the theatrical realm (more about that in another post). But theatre is the closest I have ever come to that siren’s call of something I must do. And I’m still figuring out what to do about that.
Finally, given my track record of commitment, I’m terrified that this fountain of joy is one day going to run dry (well, less robustly) like most others. It has all the hallmarks of staying power but, y’know, since I’m over here voicing all the fears and doing all the premature morning just thought I’d point out that I’m terrified of my own emotional infidelity. Maybe I should get some counseling. I would really like for me and theatre to work out…