Immodestly, it is one of my talents to pay attention. I like to pay attention. I can do it for long periods of time. I can do it for topics or events I am not familiar with. I can do it over and over again and still care. Not being able to pay attention stresses me out, it makes me feel weak. Paying attention is my superpower, that which diminishes my attention is my Kryptonite.
Paying attention is exhausting. It is like a small woodland prey. When awake it is keen to every sound, smell, shift in the wind, heartbeat rat-a-tatting. When it sleeps, it sleeps like the dead; must hibernate to return and survive in the next season.
Attention is what makes me an introvert. The only* way for me to deeply relax is to be away from other people who require my attention.
Much has shifted in my life in the last three years. A great deal more life is coming through all my sense-gates these days. It’s delicious. It requires attention. It is so much fun to pay attention to great beauty. It is a tiny, repetitive sorrow to have to spend attention on other than the beauty. And so I work to develop auto-pilots for many of the pieces of my life -cleaning the house, shopping for clothes, driving to work- so they don’t cost too much attention; so they don’t get in the way; so there is always room for the beauty to shine through.
In the past two weeks the decadent, multi-layered, perfectly-cooked, triple chocolate layer cake of my life has found a new disease for my attention. Spread. Too. Thin. When everything that is good about my life requires 100% of the attention, the math doesn’t work out right and nothing feels satisfying. All the good tips over to poignant, lovely to admire but tender like a not-yet-healed bruise. And life itches! The worst of sensations because it is always hungry.
I am happy (I can feel my soul purring). And proud to have put this whole crazy mess together! But I just don’t want to drop a plate, and I am out of attention. That’s my disclaimer before you watch this act. Also, no refunds or exchanges.
*I am blessed at this time in my life with n > 2 people I actually want to see when I don’t want to see anyone. Thank you! Pax.