I can almost feel the regret waves as they are born far away in the vast ocean of my subconscious. I make no promises that this post will be public longer than today. I may private it. I may start to post furiously to bury it days in the past. I may leave it, but let’s not get hasty now. One. Word. At. A. Time.
Last year, I started a blog I called ‘My Imaginary Unmet Boyfriend.’ The terminology ‘My imaginary unmet _____’ is the only thing I kept from a long ago friendship that went deeply and catastrophically sour. I have always loved the humor, optimism, and fatalism in the words. It is aspirational yet absurd. I think it speaks a lot to how wishes become reality. The blog didn’t live long. I still couldn’t get to authentic language about what I was feeling, and I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of posting. So I deep-sixed it.
Then this year happened. Well actually, the end of last year happened. I don’t know why. There is no specific who, but finally, suddenly I want someone in my life . I want someone in my life for my own reasons. Not to keep up with my peers, or catch up with any social norms. I want to give myself the chance to love someone, and commit to them, and trust those choices in good and bad metaphoric weather. It often seems that most people started diving for this chance at puberty. What I learned from my adolescent experiences was that I was not strong enough for the heartbreak, too scared for the rejection, and not interested enough in the supposed perks of coupledom to do the work it takes to make a relationship a true joy and worth the time. A lot has changed. And I’m kind of proud and really excited that I want this. That in not-that-long-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things I have healed and grown enough to feel brave enough to face the rejection, strong enough for the heartbreak, and in possession of the tools to build a relationship, with the right person, that is absolutely a joy and totally worth our time.
I love you whoever and wherever you are, even though you’re not in my life yet!
So I’m excited about this change in my life, and I want to talk about it. Also I grew up in this psycho-spiritual-emotional amalgam of new age mysticism and counseling psychology, both of which have elements of visualisation and mental rehearsal. Which all adds up to pouring out (and hashing out) some of these ideas and desires here. And maybe this will be a little like the “Bat Signal.” Maybe he’ll come to Gotham and find me.