That blog title sounds like a “no-brainer.” It might also make me sound like a liar. About the latter, I will say (being intentionally cryptic) that I do the best I can. About the former, I remark that yes, it’s obvious, but it’s not always easy, especially when the person you need to be honest with is yourself.
I grew up in a –sometimes uncomfortably– zen, Pollyanna, self-actualizing, “be careful of your thoughts…blah blah blah…habits, character, destiny” kind of household. I believe all that stuff. I live it to the best of my ability but as a 5, ten, and teen year old, I found the lack of immediate gratification unbearable, and it seemed totally unfair that on top of everything else my fate was also somehow my responsibility.
As an adult, I understand a lot better about the connection between intentions and actions, and being careful about what’s in your heart, which is why I’m trying to get so very clear as I take my baby steps forward. Which is why I’m writing this post to try to be honest about something terribly simple, that just might be holding me back.
I want a vacation.
Yeah, I know, “That’s it?! Everybody wants a vacation? How could that be holding you back?”
Well, I think it might be preventing me from fully believing in my next step.
The optimal work event in my life right now would be for me to get an offer of, accept, and enjoy a full-time job with benefits and a 401 K in a biotech, pharmaceutical, or medical laboratory in Boston. That is what I want. I want it so much I would do it tomorrow. That is what I want to put all of my emotional, intellectual and actual energy toward. However, I want a vacation.
I want a vacation from forcing myself to go to the job I have (but don’t want to do) everyday. I want time away from living in the place where I’ve had to do that to myself every day. Which makes me willing, maybe even secretly wanting, to get a job that’s not in Boston, or worse, to get laid off .
My concerns are that it might be hard to get back to Boston if I start working someplace else. Look how hard it is to get a job anywhere now. And I know that once I’m healed from a little time away, I will want to be back in the mix with my life in the city. I may want the comfort of my friends so much that I regret, than resent my choice to work somewhere else and then I might be back where I am now.
Petty problem. I know it’s a petty problem. I am quite lucky to be employed. I understand that hating my job is a luxury that I am lucky to have. Yet, I believe I have to do EVERYTHING (reasonable) within my power to improve a situation that I don’t like. This comes from the “Change your attitude or change the situation” aphorism that my mother should have had tattooed on her palm to flash at me throughout my growing years. I’ve done about as much adjusting of my attitude as I am able, and I am still in more psychic pain from this job than I want. So I have to be honest with myself. My goal is right. And it is practical. My emotions are right and they are present. While I want to keep my eyes on the very best prize, I might end up with something worse than losing if I don’t acknowledge, own, and welcome my secret desire to just be free of my current situation. How can my emotional wants make friends with and even support my practical wants? Or vice versa? I’m not really sure. But admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
Hi, my name is Allison and I want a vacation. I need help making sure that short-term wish doesn’t forfeit my longer term goal. Thank you for your support.